Lawyer Jokes

§ The case was dismissed by the Court.
What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers?
They grow taller!

§ Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by. One attorney turns to his associate and comments “Boy, I would like to fuck her! The other attorney thinks for a second and said “Out of what”?

§ One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver’s side door with him standing right there. “NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. “MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!” he exclaimed. “Your a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman. “Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!” the lawyer asked. “HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed “MY ROLEX!”

§ A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?” The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.” The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?”

§ Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. “My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy. “Tommy,” replied the second. “My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.” “Honest?” asked Billy. “No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.

§ A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” “I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.” “Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”

§ A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it’s inoperable – in fact, it’s so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains – there’s a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, “This is a ripoff – how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?” The doctor replies, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”

§ The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. “I’m sorry, he’s dead,” was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: “I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it.”

§ A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”
The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. “or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

§ An attractive woman found herself alone in the elevator with a lawyer. “I could push this red button, get down on my knees and give you the best blow job of your life,” she purred. He thought a minute and said, “I’m sure you could – but what’s in it for me?”

§ A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it’s inoperable – in fact, it’s so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains – there’s a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, “This is a rip-off – how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?” The doctor replies, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”

§ The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. “I’m sorry, he’s dead,” was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: “I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it.”

§ A new female associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room at her new firm, to her surprise and delight. When asked by her best friend to identify the new lover, she was puzzled: “All I know for sure is that it was a partner – he made me do all the work.”

§ The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying “I don’t even make that kind of money – doesn’t that seem a bit steep?” The plumber replied, “That’s what I thought, when I was a lawyer.”

§ Any time a lawyer is seen and not heard, it’s a shame to wake him.
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.
Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.
A lawyer’s job is secure – who would build a robot to do nothing?

§ There’s a true story about a convicted con man who was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which the judge remarked, “I should have suspected he wasn’t a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite.”

§ Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.

§ Stanley Livingston, in deepest Africa, finds a cannibal restaurant. The specialty of the day is brains – fried doctor brains for twenty bucks, sautéed architect brains for twenty-five bucks, and roasted attorney brains for two hundred bucks. Livingston, perplexed, asks the waiter why the attorney brains are so costly. The waiter snorts, “Do you know what a job it is to clean those suckers?”

§ A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out!”
But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, “He said ‘Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn’t dare shoot me.'”

§ An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
“So, what is it?” grumbled the governor.
“Judge Garber has just died” said the attorney, “and I want to take his place.”
Replied the governor “Well, its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker.”

§ Q: You’re stranded in a deserted island with Attila the Hun, Adolf Hitler, and a lawyer. You have a revolver with two bullets. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice!

§ When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it’s financially hard to get back on your feet.

§ A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked “How much is 2+2?”
The housewife replies: “Four!”.
The accountant says: “I think it’s either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.”
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, “How much do you want it to be?”

§ Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
“Your honor,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.”
“Why ?” asked the judge. “He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?”
“Well, your honor,” replied Carlson, “I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.”

§ It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

§ A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?” Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.” That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?” Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.” “Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?” Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.” The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

§ A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”
St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”

§ A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
“Only a shilling?” said the Justice, “Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here’s a guinea; go and bury 20 of them.”

§ “You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
“If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness.

§ God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, “And where do you think you’re going to find a lawyer?”

§ Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

§ A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. “Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer. “Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put “here lies an honest lawyer” “But that won’t let people know who it is” protested the lawyer. “Certainly will,” retorted the stonecutter. “people will read it and exclaim, “That’s Strange!”

§ At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?” “Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.”

§ A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that’s not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country – rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears – a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn’t so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.
The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. “He’s in THAT one!” cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend’s family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. “Whatdya do that for!” exclaimed the lawyer, “I said he was in the other!” “Exactly,” replied the sheriff, “and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?”

§ The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1.Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2.Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
Overcharging fees to many clients.
3.Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile….
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, “Wait, I’ve done some charity in my life also.” St. Peter looks in his book and says,” Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?” The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, “Yes.” St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, “Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.”

§ A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: “In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in the Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away…” Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havana’s, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: “In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havana, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away…”.
Saying that, he throws the pack of Havana’s thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it…

§ A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The Butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.” “Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don’t carry cash — it’s too plebeian — and the butcher hadn’t brought the shop’s credit card imprinter to the lawyer’s office]. Several periods of time later — it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic — the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

§ A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”
The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”

§ What’s the difference between an attorney and a trampoline? You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.

§ The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, “Hey! Cut it out, already.” The rear tiger says, “Sorry,” and they continue.
After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, “I said stop it!” The rear tiger says, “Sorry,” and they continue.
After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, “What is it with you, anyway?”
The rear tiger replies, “Well, I just ate an attorney and I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth!”

§ A stingy old attorney, who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness, was determined to prove wrong the saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased attorney’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
“Oh, that darned old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

§ A group of Arab terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred attorneys were taken as hostages.
The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one attorney every hour.

§ Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

§ An attorney defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his attorneys assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

§ An attorney was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets, a car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. Going by instinct, the attorney was eager to get to the injured, but he couldn’t get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

§ After years of hard work, Angie took her first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. While sitting in a deck chair, she recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from her old hometown.
She crossed the deck and shook hands with her friend and said: “Hello, Angela. I haven’t seen you in years. What are you doing these days?”
“I’m practicing law,” whispered Angela. “But don’t tell my mother. She still thinks I’m a prostitute.”

§ A bus load of attorneys were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the attorneys.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them attorneys lie.”

§ A doctor and an attorney in separate vehicles collided on I-95 one foggy night. The fault was questionable, but both were shaken up, and the attorney offered the doctor a drink from a pocket flask. The doctor took the flask with a shaking hand and belted back a couple of swallows.
As the attorney started to put the cap back on the flask the doctor asked, “Aren’t you going to have one too, for your nerves?”
“Of course I am,” replied the attorney, “after the Highway Patrol gets here.”

§ What’s the definition of a tragedy? A busload of attorneys crashes off a cliff and one seat is empty.
How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future attorney? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
What’s the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo? The attorney charges more.

§ When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense attorney.

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